The men in my life

Chapter 2 - Ages 17-20

I spent a while alone, but after meeting Justin at school, and him introducing me to his friends, it began to be a lot more dramatic. It all began with Noah, who I lost my virginity to. I don't regret doing it, I never did. I was ready to lose it for a long time, it never just got to be a good time. I had deep feelings for Noah, but I guess he never saw it being possible to have a relationship with me, he chose another. But I'm really glad he did. After being with him, I left to Thailand and had one of the best month of my life. I kept seeing him a couple of times after I got back, but he began to have a deeper relationship with Vicky, who later on became a good friend to me. She eventually cut ties with me.

In Thailand, I met a lot of amazing people, who I never really connected enough to mention, all except one; Ollie. Ollie is a foreign guy who I met during a night out partying. I got poisoning during that night and he visited me in the hospital before going back to Bangkok. After that trip, we occasionally have been getting back in touch, and we even talked about marriage. It is a bit weird, but somehow he really is the only man in my life at the moment who I could see myself getting married to. Not a lot to tell about him at the moment, except he is sweet and he seems to actually like me. I can talk to him about everything and not get embarrassed. He is the only one in my life right now who I can do that with.

During my time, after the trip, there were two guys who liked me at the same time, and I had a really difficult time choosing between them. Eventually I chose Isaac, and if I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing. The other guy met the girl of his dreams, who happened to be my friend. And I got Isaac. I loved him with all my heart. I still do, you never really stop loving someone, you just move on.

Isaac. Him and I had the longest relationship I've ever had, so far, a year and a half. He was amazing, but I never really appreciated him. We had fights, just like any normal couple, but we loved each other. He moved to the other side of the country for work, and I was ready to leave everything I had behind, just so I could be with him. But after he left, it came a reality that we weren't meant to be. I cheated on him a few times, and he forgave me all those times. I begged him to forgive me and not leave me, and he always did. He had such a big heart and he was always ready to forgive me. But I realized that the reason I did those things, was because I began to realize the fact that we wouldn't be together forever. I have always been so sorry about everything I did to him, and I hope he really can forgive me someday. The last time I cheated on him was the worst. It was Christmas Eve, me and the girls went out to the bar. The worst part was that Isaac had come all the way from his home to mine to spend Christmas with me, but my friend, who I was living with, didn't allow him to come to our place over night. I never understood her. But what happened, happened. The next day I broke up with him, but I couldn't tell him about the other man. The other man who was Matt.

Matt was 11 years older than me. I met him at the bar, and when we got to talking, he seemed like a great person. So mature with his own company, house and a dog. He had everything and it made him seem like the perfect match for the future. We began seeing each other almost every weekend after Christmas and we had so much fun. We drank together one night and had some talk about dating, I was so drunk I never remembered it though. But nonethless, it was in January when we started 'officially' our relationship, and for two months it was all great. After that, he got distant and he never cared about me. All the time we spent together, he never remembered a word I told him about myself. I remember every little detail about him. I still love him so much and I sometimes wish I could go back in time. Or at least that I could have a chance with him now again after both of us had time to get ourselves better and heal. I think he will be one of the people I will never forget and still think about from time to time. I wish I knew how he is doing, wish I could still see him and have him hold me. He made me feel so safe, and no one after him has made me feel that way. But after everything I've done since breaking up with him, we can never be again, no matter how much I miss him. We spent the most amazing six months together, and I don't think I'd change anything I did with him. I just wish he had paid more attention to me, and listened to me. Been more present. It really hurt me how he treated me, but I still love him so much. I think it might be good that I don't see him anymore, otherwise I might forgive him in a heartbeat. Forgive all the bad things that happened that made me want to break up with him. I got more depressed while being with him, but at the same time, he was one of the only things in my life that made me smile.

I met Damon before I broke up with Matt. A friend of mine, Kevin, introduced us, and we began hanging out together a lot. We talked about everything, including my relationship with Matt. He made me think it was a terrible thing to be with him. Damon and Kevin talked me into breaking up with him. And I did, after a couple of weeks of knowing Damon. I developed feelings for him, but I wish I never did. I spent two months with him, and I think it was one of the most tiring periods of my life. I liked him a lot, but he had serious mental problems, that he didn't admit were problems at all. I tried everything to help him, and he just manipulated me and got inside my head. In the end he broke me the worst way I have ever been broken. I was in thousand pieces. He was like a hurricane that came so suddenly you didn't even realize it was wrecking everything you ever built. Neverthless, I still wouldn't change that part of my life. I'm thankful in some twisted way, about what he did to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for it, but I'm still not mad anymore.

After Matt and Damon had me so broken, I began the whoriest period of my life. I slept with everyone I had the chance to. And somehow I met Matt's little brother Jake. I met Jake the same way I met his brother; in the bar, after talking with him for awhile, I ended up with him at his place. I always knew who he was, no matter how I claimed other wise to him. He luckily didn't know me. Until we hung out for a few times and I finally told him. He was shocked, but not mad. He still wanted to see me. I liked him, he was a better, kinder version of his brother. They were too similar, but Jake hadn't hurt me. Until I was on a trip in a different town, when he told his brother about me. I kind of wish I never told him about who I was. But at least I found out he is just as heartless as his brother. It was a few months later that we made up and continued where we left off. I met with Matt around the same time, only for a couple of times because Jake said it hurt him to know I was with his brother. All because he felt bad about spending time with me. We got super close and talked about almost everything. Until after new years when he vanished again. And he hurt me later on even more. But I'm glad, I never would've gotten over him. The worst thing was, I fell in love with him. I didn't want to admit it to myself. I'm in love with them both at the same time, I never understood what was it with the two of them that made me so crazy about them, I still don't. They both hurt me and treated me like crap, but if I got the chance to be with either one of them again, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I hate that part about me.

After meeting Jake, I continued hoeing around, that way I met Joe. I met him in November at a bar and went home with him. After that we began to hang out a lot more. But after New Years, we agreed we'd be better as just friends. It worked for the both of us, and he became like a big brother to me, a big brother I really occasionally slept with (sounds super weird but this is the best way to explain it). I felt so normal around him, and had so much fun hanging with him and his friend Neil. I introduced all of my friends to each other and luckily for me, they all get along. I'm just sad that after Joe's girl came back from a trip, I haven't seen him at all. But they sound like they go along great together and maybe I will occasionally see him. I just miss spending time with them. They became such good friends to me, and we spent almost all our time together. It feels weird not seeing either of them at all now a days.

I met Ray through Tinder awhile back, but it took quite sometime for us to finally meet face to face. But once we did, it was great. He is amazing, we have the same kind of humor, like the same shows and I feel so safe with him and he treats me well But I can't be with anyone before I get over Jake and Matt. I realized that Ray reminds me of Matt in someway. And that scares me. I feel like I can't be close to him anymore. Everytime I get closer, I remember Matt and it drives me crazy. We agreed to be just friends with Ray and so far it's going fine. We see occasionally, but it's difficult not to end up like we were before. How we got so close so fast, it scared the both of us.

Bane is a guy I met 6 years ago at a party in Helsinki. I began talking to him again last summer and I've been to his place a few times. He is such a sweet guy and I'm scared because I'm gaining feelings for him so fast. I see that he doesn't have any feelings for me, so I realized I have to keep my distance from him until I get my feelings back under control.

It's been a crazy year and this is not all that is going to happen. Summer is coming and anything can happen. I just notice how all the men in my life I gain feelings for, always end up being the ones who don't get feelings for me. I don't understand why I always fall for the people I never could have any feelings for. What is so wrong with me, that those people never gain feelings for me.

But even though all the shit I've been through because of men, I never ever would change anything that I did, or who I met along the way. It all led me to be the person who I am these days. I'm happy where I am right now in my life, and even though I have a long way to go to get over somethings and some people, I try my best to be optimistic and continue forward every single day. I don't want to go back to the worst times of my life.