The men in my life

Chapter 1 - Ages 0-15

The first boy I met was our neighbour; Shawn. He became my first best friend, but I don't remember that much about him. I was only 4 years old when we hung out, but I do remember small moments I spent with him. I tried reaching out to him later on in life, but we never really connected again. It's understandable, for the fact that now it's been over 15 years since we were friends. I remember having alot of fun hanging out with him and his sisters. Those couple of years were scary living in that house at the time, but I like to remember the good times I spent with Shawn.

After that, I moved to the neighbouring town and started my first grade of school. The entire class was close and there wasn't anyone worth mentioning until the fourth grade when I was 9, and I developed a crush on a boy called Owen. I had a huuuge crush on him, but it wasn't until a year later, a time when I already lost my feelings for him, that I think he had a crush on me. It was a meaningful time since during the summer between fifth and sixth grade I met the next subject of this text.

Will. I never forgot about him and I think I never will. We spent all our free time together, he showed me to the world of K-POP, a thing that became such a big part of my life for the worst years of my life. He was my best friend and we had our own inside jokes. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love. It took me around six years after our break up to get over him. Till this day, it was one of the longest relationships I've ever had.

It began with us meeting through mutual friends during the summer of 2010. We started to see more of each other with friends, and we developed feelings for each other. In that age, the relationships aren't normally so meaningful, so nobody thinks it was an actual realtionship. But I know for myself. We started to hang out, just the two of us, and slowly we got to gain more and more feelings. It all ended because of me and my beginning depression. Changing schools and hard times at home changed me and I got sadder and lonelier all the time. I started to suspect anyone could ever like me, especially someone so great as him, and having to be alone in school made it worse. And because of a mistake I made, I ended the entire thing. I tried apologizing to him later on and begged him to take me back, but he wanted nothing to do with me. It broke me even more, and I isolated myself from everyone. In the beginning I blamed him, but over the years I began to realize and accept that it was all me and the things that happened to me. Now I'm just glad I got to meet him and spend the best year and a half with him. He was a great boyfriend, so caring and trustworthy. I'm still sorry to him about everything, even if he doesn't care and remember it anymore these days.

After Will, it took a couple of years of me being alone and nobody really paying attention to me. It wasn't until at the end of the ninth grade, me being 15, that I found one older guy, Mark. Mark was the same age as my older sister, and it was all really new and different, someone older was into me. I don't regret meeting him, or anyone in this story, I just wish people weren't so heartless and not just out for themselves. He made a bet with a few girls, who didn't like me, that he could sleep with me, luckily I found out. He never interested me in that way, he was just fun to hang out with and he was an older guy who had a car, so I guess in a way I was using him for my benefit. I guess I wasn't that much better than he was. I don't know if the bet was true, but I don't regret how things turned out in the end. If I hadn't heard about it, I never would've hung out with John.

John happened right after Mark, I had a crush on him a few years back, and he also had feelings for me. We began to spend everyday together since the last day of ninth grade. He was great, amazing, such a kind and shy person. I never met anyone like him after that. We spent around one month together before I moved very far away. He visited me once, but that was it. We had the same kind of humor, music taste and our own inside jokes no one else got. I was his first girlfriend and he claimed he loved me. I never knew if he really meant it, but I hope not. Around that time I wasn't the kind of person you wanted to fall in love with. He helped me through all the bad things in my life around that time, and we could talk about everything. We had similar things that happened in our lives, so I think we helped each other alot. He is one of the few people who I could still see myself with, but it was good to see him move on. I just wish we could've still been friends, he was really important to me.

After moving towns, I met Henry. He was one of the two guys in our class. We got to hanging out alot, and slowly it got deeper and we developed feelings for one another. It was just a really bad time for me to be seeing anyone, what with school and work. I was 16 and doing 12 hours of school and work a day and he got upset for not seeing me at all. I tried explaining to him that I couldn't help being tired and getting off work at 9 pm. He never understood and after a while of us seeing each other, he broke it off and blamed me. I don't think till this day he ever really understood how hard of a time I was having. Because of him I lost almost all of my friends, but I'm still not mad at him.

All the names have been changed for everyones privacy.